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17:28 - Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005 03:02 - Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 http://www.livejournal.com/users/supergirlkat/ might update this tommorrow but till i get round to it catch me at my new funkeh LJ :D and add me if you want to..... 12:16 - Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 So the holiday to S.F is defunked. Gone. A dream. Thomson are being a-holes and not letting us change the date, name on the tickets or get a refund. So there you go £1100 out of the pocket of Miss Kat and into the pockets of Mr Thomson and his make up bitches. Grrrr. In other, more exciting, more happy news ……… my best mate and I are going on holiday in November!!! Woooo, so when I would have been going to SF instead im going to some place hot with plenty of drink, men and sunshine. She really is one of the bestest mates ever. I know we will have a great time, I know its just what I need and I know its gonna rock. *squeeeeee* I didn’t get to meet Jen. She was in the same country as me, only 40 mins away and I didn’t get to meet her. Dagnamit. It was just bad timing. I had my interview, my uncle passed away (his funeral is in a few hours… L ) I had no way of getting home after the show and I had no where to stay when I got there. So no jen for me. I feel bad. It would have been lovely, but it just wasn’t feasible this week. I am not looking forward to this funeral. ( Well, does anyone ever look forward to them? ) but what I mean is, it’s a cremation and ive never been to one before. Im kinda scared as to what to expect. Its my dads brother and he is normally the person I stick to like glue at family funerals. But he’s travelling in one of the black cars, so its just me and my brothers. (and my other family but you know what I mean). Talking of my brothers, the youngest older one…..(make sense?) is flying to Las Vegas tomorrow to get married to his lovely fiancé. Oh oh oh oh …I had my interview…..and……I got in! *yay*. Or not. Im kinda nervous about it now. it’s a biiiiiiiig step, a three year course, at £3000 at MASTERS level?!?!?! Who the feck am I kidding!!! I’ll give it a go ya’ll but im not promising anything!!!! And that’s my life as it stands…… Listening to: Connie Francis ‘If It Takes Forever’ 03:53 - Sunday, Aug. 07, 2005 i cant sleep. not for any reason you understand. its not like the old i cant sleep of the last few weeks which had me in tears, no its simply that i had a little nap this afternoon and now i cant sleep. not that ive tried. but im too wired to even think of bed. im shopping online. im searching for things i didnt even know existed. im watching crap teleshopping and thinking how good a magic bullet actually is. i mean, if you can make omlettes AND smoothies in it - whats not to love!?! i spoke to g earlier. turns out we probably cant even change the booking, which takes the choice out of my hands. its ok. im begining to feel like we can be freinds. not right now, but soon. maybe in a few months or so, i can call him or whatever. i dont know if we will ever meet up again, i really dont. reminds me of a line from Snow Patrol's "Run" ; to think i might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry" maybe it just wasnt meant to be. maybe things will change. i dont know. but i know he's a freind, someone i will always be able to rely upon and trust. no big arguments, no fights, it was just something that happened. the thought of another man right now repulses me. i dont want anyone elses arms around me, anyone else kissing me. right now, its just me and the fleecy pyjamas in bed with my teddybears. and i kinda like it that way, for now. its giving me peace of mind which i desire so much. ive dealt with the worst loss of all. but this loss, the loss of true love, if it ever gets lost, is a different pain. its a different feeling of loss and sadness. but i know i can deal with it. but now im ok. im ok. i can say that and i know its true. well.......it is at this time..... 11:42 - Saturday, Aug. 06, 2005 TEST TEST TEST 16:06 - Thursday, Jul. 28, 2005 I feel ok today. Id be lying if I said I was so much better and that my life was perfect again. That wont happen again for a while, but im working on it. I havent spoken to him; I don’t want to. I have to move on. We have some things to get sorted e.g the holiday, but we can sort that out in a week or two. Right now its all about me. Sounds selfish? Maybe a little, but it’s the way its got to be for me to even half survive this. Im selling tickets to shows that we had booked on ebay. So far its at £81 with almost 9 and a half days left! Im gonna get me some shoes! Speaking of that, I’ve been doing some retail therapy which includes new make up, hair accessories, bags shoes and perfume. Yay. Also, bizarrely my online shopping has stretched to Tesco.com. I know I know! But I had to get some groceries delivered. And no I couldn’t just drive to the store as my car has packed in, I have no idea whats wrong with it, it just wont start or make any noise at all when I turn the key. So yah. And no, I cant get a bus either cos I live in the middle of nowhere… so you know…..buses come like once every six months! So tomorrow the tesco man will bring me my bread milk and heat magazine and I’ll need to get my mate to come pick me up before I go to her house for dinner! Thank God my daddys home on Saturday. When he left, he left me with my boyfriend, whom both myself and my family thought id be with forever, and he’s returning to a daughter who cries every so often, feels good at other times and just wants a cuddle from her daddy. As Frenchie said in Grease “The only man a girl can rely on is her Daddy”. 00:21 - Wednesday, Jul. 27, 2005 its over. he's now my ex. im now his. i cant beleive after three years it has come to this. sometimes im ok and i know i can get on with life, other times i feel like i cant even breathe without him. i sit and cry and it doesnt help. i sob and i sob and it doesnt help. why doesnt it help? i want it to. i want it to ease the pain. i cant deal with this. right now i want to curl up and die. in half an hour i'll feel better and i wont. its made so doubly hard by the fact that my dad isnt here. the second hardest thing ive ever went through and the two people i need most arent here. one is with me in spirit but i need her comforting hugs. the other is on holiday, that he deserves so much, and i dont want to ruin that for him. i finally understand what some song lyrics actually mean.... "I keep trying to find my way i know, because i am. i keep trying but i keep failing. i need his arms to make me feel safe, i need his jokes to make me roll my eyes, i need his kisses on my forehead to make it all better. i just feel so alone.
20:07 - Sunday, Jul. 24, 2005 I feel like my heart is breaking into a million bits and each bit has been stomped on from a great height. He said we should take a break. He said he needed to clear his head. He said he still loves me. He said he was with me because he wanted to be and if he didnt he wouldnt be with me. he just needed to clear his head, fix things, get things sorted. I dont know how long that will take. I dont know if this means we are getting back together or if this is the end. He said in a phonecall that "if the worst comes to the worst we would be freinds". I dont know if i can handle just being freinds with him. I feel sick. I want to cry but i cant. I phoned in sick to work. I cant face being the kind caring one. I NEED time. I need him. I need his arms around me telling me its ok, making it ok, like he always does. But im not getting them. Ive resited the urge to call him. Its been four days. Not a lot, but when you speak to someone twice a day at least for three years - four days is a long time. I miss him. So much. Please God let us get back together. Please. 20:07 - Sunday, Jul. 24, 2005 I feel like my heart is breaking into a million bits and each bit has been stomped on from a great height. He said we should take a break. He said he needed to clear his head. He said he still loves me. He said he was with me because he wanted to be and if he didnt he wouldnt be with me. he just needed to clear his head, fix things, get things sorted. I dont know how long that will take. I dont know if this means we are getting back together or if this is the end. He said in a phonecall that "if the worst comes to the worst we would be freinds". I dont know if i can handle just being freinds with him. I feel sick. I want to cry but i cant. I phoned in sick to work. I cant face being the kind caring one. I NEED time. I need him. I need his arms around me telling me its ok, making it ok, like he always does. But im not getting them. Ive resited the urge to call him. Its been four days. Not a lot, but when you speak to someone twice a day at least for three years - four days is a long time. I miss him. So much. Please God let us get back together. Please. 07:35 - Monday, Jul. 11, 2005 im on night shift. i sleep now 07:42 - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 |